


A Normal Day at Yumenosaki's Tea Club: French Vanilla

by marino



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Crack, Gen, don't let us write at night please, improper ways to consume tea
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-05
Updated: 2017-05-05
Packaged: 2018-10-28 06:44:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10825917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marino/pseuds/marino
Summary: Some cravings must be satisfied.





	A Normal Day at Yumenosaki's Tea Club: French Vanilla

**Author's Note:**

> marino is here to marimeme-o
> 
> once again, the authors are @naruseyukiya, @kazumlsu, and @kiyomitsukashuu all on twitter

Ah yes. Another perfect day at Yumenosaki. The sun was shining and the birds were chirping. It was a perfect day for the tea club to enjoy some tea. Namely, Limited Edition Diamond-Studded French Vanilla Tea Imported Straight From Europe. Only 5 boxes ever came out of the Tea Factory. And Eichi Tensho In had happened to get his hands on one of them.

Hajime was excited. It was not often he was able to drink such good tea, especially tea so rare that it must’ve costed thousands of dollars. Ritsu, however, wasn’t very affected by the tea. He was currently sleeping upright in his chair like he normally did during Tea Club.

Little did they know, a Cryptic Beast was on his way after Catching™ a whiff of the finest french vanilla to ever grace his nostrils.

“Everyone,” Eichi started. Hajime was attentive while Ritsu was snoring, “We are gathered here today to experience something many will never experience in their life. Why? Because my family is rich as hell and I can do what I want. I have bought these Diamond-Studded French Vanilla Tea Bags with the two of you in mind. I really do hope you enjoy them as much as I will. This will take your tastebuds on a journey to worlds unknown to mere humans. This will make you feel more pride than you would winning a marathon or surviving cancer…”

  
Deep in the cryptid hole (the marine bio room), Souma is petting and cooing over Kamegorou when he smells it. The French Vanilla. He takes a long, Deep inhale. The scent is enough to make him feel True Bliss. Souma thinks he can feel the tea, the powder slipping through his fingers. He Needs It. It’s not a simple want… he needs it. He _craves_ it. The French Vanilla. He kisses his turtle friend before sitting him down Gently and bolting the fuck out of the room. His long gay legs begin to carry him towards the tea club’s meeting area.

  
“...Drinking this here tea will be even better than destroying the god-forsaken oddballs. It might even cure my terminal illness. This tea is just that good. Hajime-kun, it probably costs more money than your family has ever seen. Savor it. Enjoy every last drop. Ritsu-kun, tell your brother I gave you this tea. It’ll piss him off. That would greatly please the both of us, wouldn’t it? Now, Without further a--”

The door to the courtyard opens with a bang. He’es Here.

Oh God He’es Here.

“Hm? Kanzaki-kun? Have you business with me? Shouldn’t you be with your fish club? Is there anything that brings you to the tea club?”

Souma looks the sick boy in his eyes. He stares directly into his even sicker soul. He turns to the fuckfign whatever hajime is and whats another word for looks. Whatever it is, he does that right into hajime’s eyes as well. This lasts for over one whole minute.

_Why does he do this? Kanzaki-kun, why are you like this?_ Eichi thinks to himself.

Souma looks back and forth at the two of them before he notices the box of Diamond-Studded French Vanilla Tea Bags in Eichi’s frail hands. Upon noticing these, he turns back around so fast that his ponytail whips Eichi in the face. He is off again.

The door slams closed with a loud echo. Eichi brings a hand up to his cheek where Souma’s ponytail had slapped him. He never thought. He just never thought. He looks at Hajime, who is visibly scared and confused. He shrugs. Ritsu is still snoring.

“Anyway, as I was saying: Without further ado, I am going to call my family’s servants to open this box for me because I am too weak to do so on my own.” He grabs his phone and sends a text to one of his servants that reads: “hey lol can u come open this box for me lmao thx”.

Hajime seems to be less shaken by his encounter with Souma. Excitement is written on his face once more.

“Ah,” Eichi gives himself a second to breathe before finishing his statement. “It seems there is trouble at home, so the earliest he can be here is in around 30 minutes. It looks like I'll have to fill the time by talking more about how wonderful this tea is.”

Nearly 10 minutes had past. Eichi’s throat was beginning to sting, but it’s okay. The tea will surely make it better. His speech, however, was cut off again with a second loud bang from the door.

Souma “Local Cryptid” Kanzaki slams back into the courtyard carrying a strange looking katana. What happened to his usual™ katana? Where did it come from? Where did it go? (Where did it come from cotton-eye sou?) Why does this new one look like it’s made with diamonds?

Oh shit. It _is_ made of diamonds. _How does that even work?_

With the ferocity of an animal, souma snatches the box and rips it open with his man hands. Inside he finds 12 beautiful diamond-studded french vanilla tea bags. So Gorgeous. He sheds a single tear, just one (1), at the sight. This surely is the second most beautiful thing in the world, falling only after the hatching of a baby sea turtle. He takes one bag into his forementioned man hand and slices it open with his diamond sword.

With a flick of the wrist, he dumps the contents into his mouth. Mmm-mmm. Good. Perhaps even the best thing he’s ever tasted. Who’s idea was this to only make a limited amount? Quickly, he repeated the steps and devoured a second one.

"Kanzaki-kun," Eichi said while trying to interrupt Souma's feast on his poor, poor expensive diamond-studded teabags, "I would appreciate it if you stopped that. Those cost twice the amount of all of the medical bills I’ve had to pay in my life."

Souma looks him straight in his cold eyes, similar to earlier, but with far more passion. Eichi sees something he’s never seen before in souma’s eyes. Pure Unbridled Want. He says nothing and continues to eat the tea bags.

There Is No Stopping Souma Kanzaki And His Thirst For The Loose Tea That Inhabits The Bag.  
  
Eichi is………..disgusted. Very disgusted. Souma Kanzaki? Nothing more than a Monster to him. He feels his chin sink deep into the depths of his neck. His eyebrows furrow together so hard that it looks like he has a unibrow, which he, in fact, does not. The thought of his face having a unibrow only adds to the disgust that is building up in his stomach.

Hajime sobs. He is even more terrified than he was before. This is too much for one small boy to handle.

The ruckus Awakens Ritz Crackeer, who lets out a yawn before he begins to whisper in a tired voice, “Huh? This nightmare again…?” He decides he’s too tired for this and lays back down.

In perfect synchronization, Ritz’s back hits the chair right as the last empty tea bag hits the floor. Souma had devoured the whole box of Eichi’s Diamond-Studded French Vanilla Tea. He throws the empty, mangled box on the ground before jumping the gate using his Long Leggy without a single word and leaving the campus for the day.

Eichi shakes the crackerjack boy to wake him back up. He lets out a pained and forced whisper, obviously trying to hold back tears, "Did he just... eat the teabags…? All of them...?" He went absolutely pale. It looked as though all of the blood had been drained from his body. The life left his eyes and his body hit the floor. This only made hajime cry harder.

_Moments later, his servant who had been called earlier arrived at the scene. He noticed the near lifeless body of his warlord eihchi tensouhin. The unnamed Servant #69 rushed Eichichi to the ER, and left the crying Hajime and sleeping crackerbarrel to clean up the mess Souma had made._

_  
_

_Yumenosaki’s Tea Club will never be the same after this tragic incident. Hajime’s family had suddenly gotten very rich, and the Diamond-studded French Vanilla teabag leftovers were not found anywhere near the courtyard. Or at all. Eichi has started drinking low quality tea to cope with the situation. Some people drink cheap tea to cope, you know. One of those people is Eichi. Ritsu Crackersuma is kinda traumatized and hasn’t woken up since that day. Souma goes about his life as he always has. He truly is a Monster for devouring that tea without even one shred of empathy... think about the rich people, Souma, you reverse-classist fuck. Asshole._

 

  
An epilogue

"Keito, he ate and destroyed all of my diamond-studded french vanilla teabags!" Eichi adjusted himself in his hospital bed and clutched his pillow tighter, trying to forget the tragic memories.

  
"So what, Eichi."

**Author's Note:**

> fuck you, souma kanzaki.


End file.
